How lockdown has led to friendship break-ups as the old ties that bind fall away

‘Quarantine has forced us (hopefully) to take a look at what’s important in our lives. We were forced to get very honest about what is and what isn’t working,’ said one psychologist

By Ruchira Sharma

August 13

The rise of friendship breakups due to the pandemic 

The virus has forced us to acknowledge its presence at every turn. Nearly every aspect of our lives has become disrupted by it – health, livelihood, relationships, everything.

It’s well documented that romantic partnerships have been make or break in this time – the rise of turbo-charged couples moving in after a week of dating as one example – but that can also be said of friendships.

People who weathered all manner of life changes and collated years of memories are now coming to terms with the fact they have experienced a friendship breakup catalysed by the pandemic. While there’s very little material on how to move forward from a relationship breakdown during a global public health crisis, there’s even less when this is a best friend.

Disagreement over distancing

For many, the pandemic has irreparably changed a friendship.

Andrei Lucas faced this early on in the pandemic, when he fundamentally disagreed with his friend’s approach to social distancing. He had met his friend through social media, running in similar social circles, so he felt confident they were similar people until this.

“When the UK government announced the lockdown, one texted me saying he was organising a pre-lockdown party at his place – dinner, drinks and music with several people,” he said. “I told him that London is locking down because of high cases already being registered and it wasn’t a good idea.”

This didn’t go down very well triggering what he describes as a passive aggressive argument before all contact fell away altogether. The friend eventually blocked him, ensuring a resolution was unlikely to happen any time soon.

The experience was very painful.

“At that time I have to admit I was really upset, disappointed with myself, disappointed with them – I questioned myself a lot,” the 27 year-old explained.

His friend’s reaction was shocking, he said. “To me it seems that people’s mindset and personality has also been affected by the pandemic and maybe denying risk gives some people a feeling of control over their lives.”

‘Needs aren’t heard’

Many who shared their experiences of a friendship breakdown reported the same feeling of surprise; of being caught off-guard by their friend’s behaviour over the pandemic, as if it were uncharacteristic of the person they knew beforehand.

Letty Yeung felt this with a best friend she had known most of her life from secondary school. “We used to get the bus together and her family made me part of their family, writing me bday cards every year,” the 25 year-old said.

This friend had been furloughed over lockdown and living by herself, in what must have been a very difficult and lonely time. She also lived in a separate city to where Ms Yeung and another of their mutual friends were based. She made attempts to visit them both, but this became a source of conflict.

Ms Yeung and their other friend were both key workers who worked weekends – it was very difficult to accommodate someone. Even if they had the time, Ms Yeung felt uneasy about doing so as she is immunocompromised. Even now she feels nervous about her safety.

Adherence to the lockdown has proved a test of friendship for many. 

The friend “was frustrated that we couldn’t meet up and I personally felt as if they tried to belittle my health concerns,” she explained. While there was no dramatic argument or moment of fallout, her opinion of the friendship has changed as a result.

“I think without pandemic, would’ve met up so this would not have happened,” she said.

But it did and things have shifted. Things, at least for the time being, aren’t the same.

“I feel as if my needs aren’t heard or accounted for.”

While there are two sides to every story, so an account of someone behaving differently is subjective, there is some truth in the pandemic pushing people to act differently.

Erratic behaviour is not unsurprising at the moment, Simon Shattock said. A systemic, family and couple psychotherapist at Clinical Partners, he explained that “when people feel under threat in a pandemic they will focus on their immediate family first and they could also become anxious and act irrationally”.

“They might have unrealistic expectations of what they expect from their friends in such contexts. If friends do not respond in the expected way this can lead to resentments building up.”

With a lack of face-to-face contact brought on by lockdown and safety concerns, this can fester and become increasingly worse.

Exacerbated issues

Like Ms Yeung, the pandemic led to Eve realising her friend did not provide the support she needed, but this had been present beforehand – the situation simply exacerbated the issue until it was blindingly obvious.

Her mental health had significantly deteriorated over lockdown; a few months on she comfortably says she experienced depression and anxiety at the time.

The 26-year-old had met her friend when they were 10. “She moved from Ireland in our last year of primary school and was the first non-white child to attend the school, so naturally she was a magnet for bullying,” she said. “When I saw that she was being bullied by the same girl who’d bullied me, I decided to make her my friend.”

They stayed this way for 16 years, visiting each other at universities, and eventually living in the same city.

Despite this, the friendship wasn’t what it once was. Eve felt her friend’s negative assumption of everyone and their motivations, along with a propensity to dismiss experiences she hadn’t gone through herself were big issues.

“She’s my oldest friend, but it’s been a while since she’s been my best friend,” she said. “If I met her today I don’t think we’d get on very well.”

Unsurprisingly this came to a head due to the pandemic, when she asked to meet up.

“With my dad being high risk I wasn’t comfortable going out and bringing the virus home to him,” Eve said. “She blew me off with a snide remark in our group chat and continued to address those who ‘weren’t making excuses’.”

As things began to ease, she moved back to her home in Manchester and no longer had the responsibility of her dad’s wellbeing.

She agreed to meet a different friend socially distanced. Hearing this, her friend became incensed and called Eve a hypocrite.

“The circumstances were entirely different but as usual she was viewing everything only from her perspective, and defaulting to attack instead of at least trying to understand.”

The situation was the “last straw” she said. There was no argument or confrontation, but Eve decided that was the end of their friendship.

“In the past year I’ve prioritised my mental health properly for the first time. I’ve broken some very old habits and worked like hell to form better ones,” she said.

Her friend did not do this, and hadn’t been for a long time. For her own wellbeing she decided to let go of her.

Like romantic breakups

“I didn’t feel sad about it, I felt relieved. The same relief I felt when I split up with my ex that told me it was the right thing to do.”

Eve isn’t the only one to compare her friendship breakdown to that of a romantic relationship. In recent years popular culture is acknowledging the overlap between friendship deteriorations and romantic partners. The emotional toll is now seen by most people to sometimes be the same and in some cases worse as friendships can often span longer.

For Tom*, the breakdown of his friendship over the pandemic was, and still is, really hurtful. His friend pulled away over lockdown, and he is still unsure of why.

The friend as already beginning to drift away before the pandemic, but used the situation to implement a clean break, he said. They stopped meeting up and eventually initiated a great deal of distance that wasn’t there beforehand.

“I felt pretty devastated, and honestly it almost paralleled breakup levels of anger, sadness and denial. I am probably still reeling from it a little.”

Breakups unsurprising

“It doesn’t really surprise me” that friendships have broken down over the pandemic, said Dr Tony Ortega. A psychologist and expert in mental health for 28 years, he has seen numerous examples of relationships thrive and crumble during this time.

“Quarantine has forced us (hopefully) to take a look at what’s important in our lives. We were forced to get very honest about what is and what isn’t working. We have been forced to make adjustments and changes.

“Therefore, friendships will come out looking differently,” he explained.

In his opinion, while the pandemic may have created conflict a non-quarantine situation did not see, there were likely underlying issues to start with that contributed to the breakup.

It might sound blunt, but the pandemic has forced people to weigh up the people in their lives for better and worse. “I think the pandemic has changed our priorities and made us reconsider what matters most. It’s been a time to reflect, think more about how we want to spend our time and who with,” said George, who parted ways with a friend over lockdown.

For him, the decision was more mutual, highlighting how this has been a time for conflict for many but also real honesty in relationships.

This is a time for change, for re-evaluation over what is the most important to us. With so much uncertainty in every aspect of our lives, it is natural that we want to control what we can.

“We’re doing everything in our power to make sure our days have as little negativity as possible right now,” said Eve.

The ends of relationships are distressing events in our lives, there’s no way to avoid this even if the decision is mutual, but they signal a necessary change. Even if we think they wouldn’t have happened without the pandemic, the reality is there was no alternative reality to have avoided this either.

This has been a test in many ways, and while some relationships’ fragility have come to the fore, the strength of others has only been reaffirmed.